Ugly Cake was birthed from the Ugly Cookies I made over this summer while working at a bakery as a sugar cookie decorator. My decorating skills, when genuinely trying, were a solid O K but when I wanted to make a cookie to surprise my best friend/roommate I strived to make the most painful to look at cookie. Cowboy boot shaped hot pink sugar cookies with gaudy sprinkles, the cookie being at least 3 days old before decoration. I proposed a trail no.2 to my then ex boyfriend via ugly cookie and he accepted. The ugly cookies, SPECIFICALLY given when there is no event or holiday, is an ugly way to let someone know you genuinely give a shit, by making a cookie that represents the shit you give. It was a pick me up, along with a $5 bottle of wine, to any friend that I could throw love at. The ugly cookies were gifted to me from me as well.

Ugly Cake is Ugly Cookies but so much bigger and better, which makes the joke filled with more ugly love. The cake is not 3 days old but it is unbelievably dry because box mixes suck but realistically its the only way I have ever wanted to bake a cake. My grandma used to put mayo in her red velvet cakes and it made all of my malaise as a 5 year old subside, but of course I had no mayo when making this cake. Ugly Cake is intended to be shared with just yourself or a large group of people who mean something to you, or an individual who enjoys the ugly things in life.

 

Ingredients:

1. Duncan Hines Red Velvet “Moist” (this is a lie) box cake mix
2. 1 cup water
3. 3 large eggs
4. 1/3 cup vegetable oil
5. Cream cheese icing
6. Pink tube icing
7. Icing decorating tips
8. 8 in metal pan
9. Any sprinkle types you are drawn to or that make you think of that person, but at least 3 kinds.

 

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350F.
2. Drink the majority of the $5 wine. Be careful. Also do not drunkenly forget to wash your hands.
3. Mix water, eggs, vegetable oil, and cake mix. The box has specific times for how long to mix but I don’t have a hand blender, I have a big wooden spoon and arm muscles. I mixed until there were no chunks.
4. Grease the pan. Make it real greasy, because I sure didn’t and it’ll save you so much time. If you want it real ugly, rub some oil around in the pan with your fingers and sprinkle in some flour.
5. Pour in batter. I think you’re supposed to only pour to half way.. but I poured to 3/4 the pan and it WILL overflow. This MIGHT light on fire in the bottom of your oven. but you won’t have to wash an extra pan afterwards so its wherever your priorities lie.
6. Bake 25-30 minutes, look in and get scared, bake for 15 more minutes like an idiot. This may not be the mix’s fault that the cake is so dry…
7. Remove from the oven, let cool for like 30 minutes or until you can touch the pan (this is unsafe advice but my momma still has her hands and I still have mine so touch at your own risk).
8. Cut off the bubbled over part and eat this while you try to shake the cake out of the tin. Later, you may freak out that your tongue is dark red and your logic is impaired because of the wine but remember it is the red velvet cake scraps you ate.
9. Use one of those icing spreader spatulas and thickly try to glue on the chunks that stayed stuck to the pan after you tried to use a knife to remove the upside down cake. This will pick up the red velvet chunks and crumbles, just keep spreading. I used a whole container of icing and part of another.
10. While the icing is wet, dump the sprinkles all over the cake. pat the thick layers down sometimes to prevent fallout. This can be done in a design or just haphazardly. I personally love just dumping them wherever to make a mess.
11. Apply the tip that is not a flower or star, just the regular hole, and hold in the cookie decorating way (look up a youtube video).
12. Write whatever you want. Names, vulgarities, obscenities, your social security number, a penis, your dead dog’s name, a proclamation of love, your receipt number, the amount of money the person owes you, or any design you want. I wrote “Ugly Cake” and the ingredients in the cake.
13. Share, or don’t.