This recipe is a bastardization of any form of jambalaya my mom made for a family meal. There is no way on god’s green Earth would I let this be fed to family members, lest I be cast into the pits of gnashing teeth and writhing souls of the women who could not cook for their husbands. This was one attempt of many I made in trying to show my boyfriend the type of food I grew up on, but a college student income is just enough for the mix-box-with-water-ignore-for-30-minutes-on-stove type of meal, not that good stuff my mama made for us.

Box Jambalaya is not the pretty summer aesthetic green grass bright sunshine turquoise blue bowls and glass dish ware on a yellow quilt recipe. I had one turquoise blue bowl in the whole house, it was my roommate’s and I burned a hole through the bottom. Only serve this dish in a dark room at 12am (or later) when your partner has not eaten all day, with a good episode of The Simpsons on. Paired best with stinky feet on the couch and the batteries from the fire alarm on the table.

This will not change your life and is only a recipe I swear by if you like ruined pans.

 

Ingredients:

1 Box of Jambalaya mix (I used Zatarain’s)

2.5 Cups of water

1 TBSP vegetable oil (unless you really love the crispy inch thick tar-like substance on the bottom of your pan like I sure do)

2 Vegetarian Sausages (I used something that tasted like dog food)

 

Directions: Stovetop

1. Slice the vegetarian weenies in that long oval way that makes beanieweenies so fancy.
2. Pan-fry the weenie disks. Take as long as you feel necessary, and if its real meat take as long as needed for the worms to die.
3. Remove from pan, put it somewhere like a bowl or your hands if they’re calloused enough to handle it. Hands not recommended.
4. Mix all ingredients into whatever pot will hold ’em, I recommend eyeballing it. If it boils over you wont know anyways.
5. Bring to boil. Lower heat but keep the flame just a little too angry.
6. Walk away for 25 minutes. Don’t look back. Whatever you do, do not stir. Maybe set a timer, or use whatever point in the Simpsons episode as a time marker. Maybe 40 minutes.
7. At some point after the fire alarm reminds you that you have other obligations, turn the heat off and remove pot from burner.
8. Use your strongest utensil to scrape the thick, blackened char and tasteless rice from the pot into a bowl. This may take a while, as charcoal rice tends to be rock solid and glued in a block of hateful positive space from the pot interior. The worms will be dead by now.
9. Drown the char and bland rice/dog food weenie mixture in as much salt, hot sauce, pepper, and cajun seasoning that you can stand.
10. Serve. Make sure the lighting is low and tastebuds are looking the other way. Enjoy!