Brickcakes

These are hangover pancakes. Not because they are super greasy and sweet, a large amount of carbs to satisfy the raging hangover demands, but because when the room is spinning and the slow creep of nausea threatens projectile vomiting these pancakes act as a brick in your stomach that absolutely will not allow hangover puking. This pancake rock is the intestinal glue, your bowels will not move for days. When I was vegan I tried to follow fads, including the buckwheat protein pancakes that frequented annoying fitblr vegan accounts. I am sure these over packed aesthetically rustic with a blueish filter pancakes are fine when made by someone who is proficient at pancake making… but more than likely they smiled through the pain and constipation and thicc floor-tile-bread-pancakes. If someone tells you that it is a Good Idea to make pancakes with buckwheat and bananas from scratch, ask how their blog is from over your shoulder as you run far away.

The only way to make this recipe more tragic is by adding peanut butter as the mortar to the bricks. Please, just make some Bisquick box pancakes. Forget the social media subcultures crying out for their iron to be pumped, their Get Big Stay Big, and their brickcakes to be Totally Protein Packed to Rebuild That Temple of a body after totally waking up at 5am to run a 5k. No buddy.

Ingredients:

1/2 Cup of Buckwheat Flour (run away now)

2 very ripe bananas (one of the only decent things I learned from fad health trends)

Almond or soy milk (Don’t ask me how much, just nervously splash it in until you think you’re a little screwed.)

2 TBSP coconut oil

Some (? I don’t know, feel it out) ground flax seed meal

Chia seeds, as much as you can stand

1 TSP ground cinnamon

Some vanilla extract

Brown sugar? Nutmeg? Blueberries? Whatever, pancakes are pretty versatile but you have the freedom of knowing these will already suck.

Directions:

*** If anyone tells you to BAKE pancakes look at their quality of character and determine if you REALLY want this type of negative influence in your life.***

1. Mash the 2 bananas well, no chunks should be in the baby food.
2. Mix all of those things together.
3. Let sit for 5 minutes, you can pretend this will make them fluffy.
4. Heat a pan with oil in it (but not TOO hot, I don’t know your stove, but half way turned knob?).
5. Scoop (or pour, if you want frisbees) in the batter.
6. Let one side cook until there are holes in the surface of the top of the pancake and its not as gushy.
7. Flip.
8. Wait a while, but make sure it doesn’t smoke or anything. I don’t know y’all are competent adults just nervous check the underside frequently.
9. Continue until all batter is used.
10. Please do not use sugar free maple syrup to top with, you deserve better.