Soggy Bottom Blueberry Cobbler

Soggy Bottom Blueberry Cobbler is how you get pity from your once future in-laws. This is how to make people look at you like your dog just died. This is how your dog dies. This recipe summons the ancient gods to protect your cobbler in the oven and (spoiler) they fail. Soggy Bottom Blueberry Cobbler is the first attempt and first ugly public failure I have performed in my career of sub-par cooking. This soup doesn’t even taste good. There are no golden brown flaky criss-crossed crusts that steam beautiful golden ambrosia aromas to your family on Thanksgiving. The crusts will without a doubt sink to the bottom of the cobbler, you will cry, and there will be a 3/4 lake of blueberry pie filling left over.

This recipe embarrassed me so badly that I closed the lid on the uncleaned, mostly filled glass dish, zipped that baby up in the insulated travel bag, and left her on my kitchen shelf for exactly a year. Turn back now. Buy a Walmart pie, throw the box away, pop that sucker in the oven for a couple minutes and lie. Lie because it’s easier than presenting this monstrosity of a cobbler.

I used a recipe from my mom that was a pretty easy blackberry cobbler recipe and tried to make it vegan last minute on Thanksgiving day three hours before a family lunch. Do not take this to any serious family event. Or do, if you want to prank yourself.

Ingredients:

1 Cup all-purpose flour

1/2 Cup sugar (In this house we use bleached sugar none of that fancy bone-free sugar)

1 TBSP of baking powder (I stole this from my roommate)

1 Cup Almond milk (or whatever you got)

1/3 Cup of vegan butter melted  (this is gonna be what kills your bank since its like $5 per 1/4 cup)

1 Can of blueberry pie filling. (Whatever size you can get your hands on and maybe an extra can just incase because I got scared and didn’t measure.)

Directions: Oven

1. Grease up a glass dish. I know there are specifics about depth and whatnot but it will suck anyways so just pick your favorite.
2. Preheat to 350 degrees.
3. Mix dry ingredients, warm milk.
4. Add milk. Get nervous because its probably clumpy so add more. Once you mess that up, add the butter for a good ‘ol greasy blob.
5. Empty one can of pie filling into glass dish, maybe part of another. Eat whatever is left of the second can. Its probably fine I don’t think vegans get salmonella so the batter is probably fine too. (I am not a doctor, this is not medically accurate.) It’ll all be fine, have faith.
6. Pour the batter on top, try to make it an even coating. This is frivolous, but allows the maintenance of the delusion that you’re a good baker.
7. Bake for 35-40 minutes but since you’ll be rushing because you did not plan for this make sure you keep opening the oven to make sure its baking. I promise, letting all the heat out will help.
8. Once taken out of the oven, the cobbler is supposed to cool a little before serving, but make sure before it gets the chance you smack a travel lid on that bad boy and zip her up in a carrying case.
9. Store in the floor board of the car.
10. Drive 45 minutes.
11. Present to your significant other’s family. The crust will be floating under all of the pie filling and you will have a delicious blueberry moat that tastes like fake pie and not actually good at all.
12. Do not cry when your partner’s grandpa eats the soggy bottom cobbler and says its some good blueberry soup.
13. When you get home, zip it up and never open the container again for at least a year to let the bacteria fester in your shame.
14. Once a year has passed, when you are ready, remove dish from the zipper and velcro casket and burry in the back yard for the worms to finish off your black mold shame.
15. Enjoy!